im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
