My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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