I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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