I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
