I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
