The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We are all done wearing pants today
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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