I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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