alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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