You smell like stripper and shame
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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