Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
