I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
