she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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