how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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