you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
