I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
