Im at strip club and am horny
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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