if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
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he quoted the bible to break up with me
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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