im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
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I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
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Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen