She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
