getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
