this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
