yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Alive.
So much puke
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
