I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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