he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
