The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
