I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
