I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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