i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
