I'm eating all of the evidence.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
