Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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