tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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