I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
