Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
