He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
