don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
