I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits