how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
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Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
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Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker