My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
