I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
