Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
