drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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