I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
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