In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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