The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
