just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
