I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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