When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
