I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
