3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
