I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
