I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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