Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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