Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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