I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I intend to get homeless drunk
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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