Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
