quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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