I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
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Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
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I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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