i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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