I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
