when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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